I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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