just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
