Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
