God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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