Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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