We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
