you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize