I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
