The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
