I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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