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at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We have started to decorate penises.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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