omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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