sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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