Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
