8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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