what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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