Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
