my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
