She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
