We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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