There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
