I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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