he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
