I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
