just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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