maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
