"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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