Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize