I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
