my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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