Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize