dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
