Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize