Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
