Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
