well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize