Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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