This dress was meant to end up on your floor
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize