Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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