The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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