i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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