But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
