I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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