a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
