When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
