I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
