whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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