I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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