I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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