dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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