My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
