Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
