I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
