God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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