am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
