He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
