i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
