We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
