Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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