Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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