if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
