Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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