1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
