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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
